comparisons.

I constantly compare myself to others.  This is something that I have recently fully realized and it is a fact that I am mortified to share.

I was about to start writing something about how, "i used to be so self-assured...but now, wah wha," but that's really not the truth.  The truth is that I've always considered what everyone else was doing before I made my decision.  I was the girlfriend that cooked my eggs just like whomever I was dating.  Boo. Hiss.  I'm not sure where that comes from, but I've made the decisions:

1.) to NOT BE THAT WAY ANYMORE and
2.) to try my hardest not to teach Lu that same bad habit.

Now, I should say that it's not like I'm sitting around all day looking at friends' facebook pages...of their babies and houses and lives and whining about why they all have houses and dogs and nice things and two kids already...  I'm not doing that.  Really.  Well maybe in my head.  ONCE.  Or twice.  And just because it was a REALLY nice house.

But I realize that so much energy is wasted being (let's face it) jealous of other peoples' lives.   And if you believe in Karma and putting good energy out there, or even if you believe in the Golden Rule, I am not doing myself ANY favors.

So, here I am, coming clean with the top 5 things Sophie compares.  I'm going to list them- for your enjoyment -and let them go.

5.  My body.  Rolling your eyes yet?  It's not so much the weight, it is the actual shape and elasticity of my post-baby bod.  I see mommies with no stretch marks and think horrible things.  Let's not even talk about my va jay jay.  I ask my girlfriends regularly how much sex they're having and just pray that their answer is a lower number than mine.

4.  My baby.  I never thought I would be a mom that comes home from playgroup all, "Lua is so much smarter than any of those kids!  She has more hair and is way funnier..." but sometimes - guilty. I don't think I'm the only mom who does this, right? 

3.  My apartment.  I think Andrew would list this as, "one of the things that annoys me the most about my wife".  Seriously.  We can't go to anyone's house without me bemoaning the fact that, "their apartment/house is so awesome!  I want matching things.  And cool things.  And rugs.  More rugs". 

2.  My success.  Unfortunately, I think I learned this from all the actors I hang around.  It's too easy to compare when some of your colleagues 'get the gig' and you don't.  When a dancer can touch her toes to the back of her head and you can't.  When someone goes from Broadway show to Broadway show and you are lucky to get a regional show here and there (or the other way around).  It doesn't exactly translate, but being a stay at home mom is a totally foreign concept to some folks and explaining to them that that's "all you do" get's really old, really fast.  People ask me all the time, "So, Sophie, what are you up to besides doing the mommy thing?"  And they are just asking to make conversation, to be polite, but it irks me.  I think maybe it's because this 'mommy thing' is more work than I thought.  Because I can't get it together to do much else right now.  And I look at other moms who are working or taking classes or baking a freaking cake and I'm a little embarrassed that I didn't get out of my sweatpants today, but instead opted to fore-go the shower in order to spend a few more minutes at the park.  Or reading Lu a book.  Or napping while she naps.  Ya, I do that now.

1.  My happiness.  Sometimes reading a blog sucks.  Facebook is no better.  If you let yourself, you can be convinced that the happy, shiny life that someone writes about online is all there is.  I'm a dedicated reader of one or two mommy/lifestyle blogs and, let me tell you, their lives are SHINY.   Beautiful people.  Happy kids.  Husbands who are Ryan Gosling incarnate.  Vacations.   All day.  Every day.  Yuck.  Obviously, I'm not silly enough to believe in the absolute truth of these internet lives, but I'm embarrassed to admit that they do get my goat from time to time.  The same admission applies to my real life friends and acquaintances who, for whatever reason, are always sooooo happy.  This said, I am a happy person (I swear)!  Just not all day, every day.  I have to be more realistic with myself - the people who claim to have a happy, shiny, perfect life every single day of the week are probably lying...or heavily medicated.

Ok!  That's it.  Officially letting this shit go.  It's that easy, right?

Aaaand here are some pictures of our life lately...because who doesn't like pictures?

 

We still think Lu's best trick is showing us her muscles.  She get's waaaay into it.

 

 Taking a toddler to a busy NYC bar is frowned upon.  Do we care? nope.

 Someone please remind me of this picture in 14 years, when Lua misses curfew or gets arrested.

 Fun on the Toys R Us ferriswheel!

 I had to put this in here.  Sometimes, as a swing actor, you get paid to watch movies and eat cake.  Other times, you have to go on stage with no real notice.  I'd say that's a fair trade.

 Such a good flyer.  She has slept almost every flight since she was teeny-tiny.

 Such a skinny child.  Belly.

 Too cute, even when she's ticked.

 

This one is from a while ago, but I just can't handle it.

Happy Monday!

home visit.

 

 

As you can see, our trip home was filled with love and family.  And snow!  Lua and I had a relaxing time in Aurora, hanging out with Nanna and Popop.  We ate nanna-cooked food and got to sleep in a huuuuuge bed (lua still insisted on snuggling right in, though).   I always laugh so much when I'm home too.  There's something about my brother, Evan, that can always make me laugh so hard, I cry!

The second half of our trip was not originally planned, but happened because Andrew's grampa, Burl, passed away while Lu and I were in Nebraska.  There was a silver-lining, though, as it was the first time (that I can remember) that the whole Cao clan was gathered together under one roof :)  One night, we spent a good hour laughing on the kitchen floor while the girls (Eloise and Lua, that is) entertained us.  They are starting to get to the age where they actually care what the other one is doing, so they are much more interactive (see: the tight squeeze above)!  I can't help but imagine their future tea parties, jam sessions and the plays they'll put on!  Here's to hoping we can "schedule" all of the cousints to be born together!

picking up

I can't believe it's been almost 6 whole months since I last posted something on here!  In the blogger universe, I bet that's like, YEARS.  It really warmed my heart to hear from those of you who missed reading what the Cao family was up to! 

Lua turned one.  We traveled home to see our families, which we were able to do as a whole family because Andrew was done with his show (for a bit).  Lu was a pony for Halloween.  I figured out what a PCP is (don't ask) and learned ALL the ins and outs of health insurance (basically that it sucks).  I found out I have Hashimoto's disease (hypothyroid).  Andrew started work in the show NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT.  Christmas happened.  We watched, "It's a Wonderful Life".  The New Year happened.  We watched, "It's a Wonderful Life" again.   Andrew's grampa died.  We visited family again.

does everyone feel all caught up now?

It feels great to have this time at my computer again.  I forget far too easily to take the time to just sit.  Or journal.  Or draw.  Or...be creative in some aspect of the word.  Not that these ramblings are at all what I would consider "creative," but time alone with one's thoughts has to count for something, right?

Anyway.

 

It's great to be back.